En Busca del Tiempo Perdido

"Te internas en el recuerdo para descubrir qué es real y qué no lo es. Crees que un momento, en un instante, se esconde el misterio del universo" --- la idea de En Busca del Tiempo Perdido de Marcel Proust. Parece que tendré que leer ese libro. Salió como el clásico que soy, basado en un cuestionario barato de Facebook. Sin embargo, las dos ideas en la descripción me llegan. Creo que como buen latinomericano post realismo mágico, no puedo evitar mezclar realidad y ficción en mis recuerdos del pasado. Sí creo, como proponía Borges, que los eventos vividos proyectan una larga sombra sobre el resto de nuestra vida y nos marcan invariablemente. En nuestra ansiedad y desencanto, nos desesperamos por seleccionar qué recordar del pasado. Es mejor así, nos ayuda a soportar nuestra levedad.

Y tanto como quizás podamos encontrar nuestro aleph en un instante, de igual forma se nos esfuma la existencia - la efímera búsqueda de significado que nos entretiene para encontrar respiro en la bruma diaria, para sentir que vale la pena... "No trates de entender el mundo. Sólo vívelo" -me dijo mi madre en un sueño a pocos meses de su muerte siendo yo aún adolescente. Como un soplo, los años han pasado y aquí me encuentro más próximo a la edad que ella tenía cuando falleció. Creo que tomé su consejo... en parte. He tratado de 'vivir el mundo' y sigo haciéndolo. Pero no renuncié a querer entenderlo - aclaro que trato que el intento no me desvele sino más bien que me entretenga. Qué diría ella si me viera hoy? Cuántas cosas yo le diría?

Y en una auto-mirada retrospectiva, veo un caleidoscopio interesante y descifro los patrones de colores y comprendo mejor al niño y al adolescente. Hoy recuerdo, mientras camino las memorias de mañana. Será que me da cierta sensación de poder el creer que puedo decidir hacer este momento memorable? Aún puedo imprimir una marca en mi vida hoy o sentir la ilusión de hacerlo y así, en otras tantas décadas, habré de reflexionar y confesar si he vivido...

Mi tiempo de recreo se termina. En un rato, estaré en clase comentando The Kite Runner...

La Vie en Rose

Am I goal-oriented? Suddenly I wonder if I really am. I know what I want in life but I don't have it clear whether I am so focused. I get excited about challenges but well...

La Vie en Rose, what a great movie! Based on Edith Piaf's biography, the actress transmits the star's magnetic personality, a woman who suffered the loss of practically everyone she ever loved. Incredibly touching story, painful at times, beautifully narrated and an amazing performance by this woman! Any movie based on Piaf's life that will include her songs is already a pleasure to watch, or listen rather. But here the acting is just superb. I guess I need to find out more about both the movie and the actress. The guy at the video shop told me it won this year's Academy Award for best foreign movie, but my hunch is that the actress must have been nominated for best female performer. If she wasn't, she definitely should have been!

Well, I've just checked out the movie online and YES, Marion Cotillard DID get the Oscar for Best Actress, but the movie did not win as best foreign film :(

I watched the last few scenes over twice. What a great movie...

stray dog

He barks at the biker passing by,
then follows an apprehensive woman
loyalty misunderstood
she rushes away keeping an eye on him
then a mixed breed with some pit bull in him appears
and he scuffles until tail hidden between his hinder legs
he runs away from the mighty neighbor
scampering to the approaching tires of a pick-up truck
off he goes again in concentrated bark
then looks around and scurries to the curb
before the next car he leaves his mark
on the sour orange tree trunk by the bar
tirelessly, overexcited, in heated confusion
a tongue-out attempt to keep up

The man sips the last drop of his cortado
to no effect yet
his eyelids still weigh tons
and the looming headache forestalls
him of recovering the images of the day

Up above the circling buildings
the new moon looks now slightly smaller

I want some more

warm fall afternoon clear and quiet
the senses awakened
cuddling my yearning for more
invited love came and went
so fast yet so intense
little talk before and after
though the tenderness remains,
the touch unrestrained
the language of the skin
in every pore in every scent
it leaves me wanting more
of the gentleness, the caress
what's the point of this exchange
so fast yet so intense
yes, some giving but little left
the thirst allayed
and the warm breeze
through the door finds me still,
relaxed, alone with a light of hope
will there be more?

Cold (?) weather...

The cool breeze sneaks into every room in Tucuman, largely unprepared for cold weather... I walk around wrapped up in my jacket and can't avoid remembering NYC streets in winter, walking to school on Clinton, or back home on Atlantic Av. THAT was COLD, when only my eyes were uncovered, and I could hardly move in my goose-down jacket. Here it's close to pleasurable to walk around and know that the cold temperatures can't and won't get any worse, hardly ever below 7 or 6°C. ... Ufff, I cant connect the sentences, can't keep my eyes open any more...

Lobos, sports, and competition... hmmm

Corruption in our politicians, their feeling that they're beyond social classes, a league of their own not bound by the Law - their omnipotence reflected in their feeling that they can decide to benefit themselves, take advantage of their position to make tons of money and remain unaccountable 'for the sake of democracy' with total disregard for the people that put them where they are. That's what Los Lobos shows - the play with five actors from Tucuman who keep the audience feeling the plot is more current than ever and not necessarily from the 1940s. It was nice to see our local talent put to good use.

This morning through early afternoon, David Nalbandian's epic win in a heart-stopping five setter against Soderling from Sweden placed Argentina in the semis of the Davis Cup. Immediately after that, River Plate won their match against Tigre to keep the top position in our soccer league. All I need now is for Boca Jrs. to lose against the jujeños and I'll have a completely happy Sunday.

Chilly Sunday, sweaters worn for the first time this fall, a good time to be nested warmly, quietly... After Aida is a no go with the Seniors, should I go for Joseph with the Juniors? Can't believe I'm crazy enough to even consider it - but I am!

I've also found out that there will be fierce competition for the Regente position at Instituto Tecnico. At least 10 candidates are expected to sign up. God, I wonder whether I should stay on it... Will it be worth it?

relaxing freewrite

I've presented the technique of freewriting to my juniors and seniors in college. They'd never done it in English before! And some have probably never done in Spanish either! I could sense their attention to my comments and they all filled out about a full page in fifteen minutes. Now, we're doing 'looping' with that, or focused freewriting. Hopefully they'll all come up with a good piece that's worth sharing with classmates and publishing in the class blog. I wonder how successful the approach to writing I'm implementing this year is going to be. I'd love for it to become a breakthrough in their ability to write thoughtful essays, creative and critical pieces. We'll see...

Meanwhile, I've had a chance to breathe in deep and enjoy the cool afternoon air. It smells fresh and clean after last night's heavy storm. In my search for peace everyday, this moment in front of the laptop has become the highest point of the day. The screen becomes a window to explore, to play with words, to feel connected... After I do it, I seem to find my center, sense I strike a balance, even if it's a mirage of solace, the rest of the day feels different, like under some kind of spell... the wonders of giving myself the gift of meditating for a few minutes, of letting my fingers tap dance on the keyboard... My balcony garden is growing and filling the space nicely, lively... The recent showers have given the plants more strength and vigor... which I feel every time I step out and unwind...

After the first week of my (almost!) full load of work

Around 1989 when I was in grad school in New Paltz, Elisa Dávila, the Colombian SUNY professor and my good friend and mentor, told me I should be careful about how I approach my work - I was a strong candidate for a precocious case of burn-out. Almost twenty years have passed since, and for some reason, fortunately, I haven't experienced that dreadful syndrome. However, the way this year has started I'm seriously concerned it may if I don't do something about it. I see the books for each of the subjects I teach, the materials for Aida, the inviting laptop and know that there are so many interesting things to do in each... but, the week begins and I get caught in the eddy of schedules and obligations. As a result, the precious time for planning is never there... Of course, how can I possibly find the time if I have too much to do!?

That's when I feel like quitting. It's even more frustrating when the time and effort do not bring the desired results. I put in an awful lot of my time to work for Aida and now we're not even sure if we'll be able to do it. Apparently I misread the kids' level of commitment. Several of them are, but that is not enough. This has to be a CLASS project. Problems with attendance, two of the main roles rejected by the chosen actors for different reasons... Ah! I'd better not keep going with that, every word I type just increases my frustration. Maybe that and the negative energy I had to face from LM were too much for a beginning of the year.

I need to touch base, quit UNSTA once and for all, and then see if it's really worth going on at Lola Mora -- even when that would mean cutting a third of my income. At some point this past week I got a glimpse of what it would be like to have the evenings for myself -- or rather to do some of the fun stuff I can't get my hands on. And if I plan ahead well enough and get organized, I could even squeeze in some tennis and gym a couple of times a week. Oh god... this WAS likely to happen. My timing is slow in making decisions because I want to take steps that are carefully thought out first. I hope I'm doing it right... I have my first class at UNT this Tuesday, I'm 20% through the material I want to cover. Yes, I want to do too much in just an hour of class, but I know that I have to make that time count... I took JP's advice and did not quit Lola Mora before the first class. The problem is that I've begun and it's hard to pump students up to do work, get them involved and motivated and then tell them I'm leaving. I don't know if that will be the case yet but... it might! Anyway... I just need to get to the point I'm sure that my decision is right, and then move on... Getting past that point will hopefully ease my mind...

The path forks into two roads

The path forks into two roads in the twilight of the day – soon I’ll know which one to take. The journey promises either the joy of discovering new sights, or the warm welcome of familiar grass. Yet, now, in the agony of weighing if one is worth more, I learn the pain that comes from choosing which way I will not go. Now there is the angst of not knowing if, later on, I’ll look back and contentedly smile for the wisdom of the choice, or maybe I’ll wipe away a sad tear for the dusks and dawns I have forgone. Now there is the mourning for the landscapes I won’t see, for the company disappearing in the undergrowth, their warmth remaining among my dearest memories.

.

The two roads go deep into the woods ahead. The spring has filled them both with tender bushes and light green leaves. I can only be grateful for the chance to choose. Like Bob’s old friend, I stand before the two roads, and try hard to look down as far as I can. But there is just so much I see. My friends wish for me the nicer, more secure path, where I can discover new landscapes as I go; the safer way to grant me exotic food, ipods, and satellite TV. But the other leads to green pastures that do not offer more than their raw beauty and an invitation or a warning to build myself a hut to find shelter from the rain. And I’ll be able to decorate it with souvenirs from distant lands. And they will remain there and only change their color as they age. There is an awful lot of work that needs to be done there. At the end of the day, I wonder if I’ll feel satisfied, comforted, or recognized. Yet, just doing my work, I’ll have fulfilled my mission; my talents, intact or multiplied, will have found good use in my home town. The path forks into two roads… I can’t wait to see the day…

Written in New York, April-May 2005 when I had to decide whether to stay in the US or come back home to Tucuman

Elaborate life

so easily the watch hands dictate direction
a shiny shackle round my wrist determines
when to run, where to row, how to rush into sleep and fall
I try the yoga tip in the car, a wild attempt to extend the traffic light
the metallic AC fresh air in my mouth, a raindrop in a dune
I wake up from the pc screen when my dog's paws on my lap tell me it's dinner time
I just look in front, where to place my next footstep
no time to look elsewhere and discover the new star light in the dark,
the different shade of silver around the waning crescent sliver of the moon

so much moving forward in the universe
how can I escape the inertia
drink easily from the fountain of the senses
forget the merciless hands,
find the tic can be so far away from the tac
insignificant my little struggles, travails and satisfactions
if I can't see I am connected, free to determine purpose
make sense of cause and consequence
come to terms with the here and now
gulp and lushly give warmth
and rebel successfully
indifferent to the ruthless metallic dictator

Drizzle, tennis, warmth and new beginnings...

I got a few minutes to sit down and watch a tennis game on tv. Cañas is not doing so well against Andreev - just lost the first set. I decided to leave them in the background and hit the keys for a while. Warmth and friendship may be just a phone call away. Or perhaps a few minutes that we take to stop and chat with a colleague or anyone else around can make us feel better. I had a rough weekend and yet I've absorbed so much positive energy in the last two days that I feel nicely replenished. Outside the drizzle has not stopped for three days now; indoors everywhere the pace has become frantic at times; and inside I've rebuilt my reservoir of good vibes. I'm ready and willing to face the coming challenges. If it becomes overburdening I'll just ease the load. It's alright, it's ok... just breathe in, relax, enjoy the ride... And if possible take a short nap in the middle of at least one week day! Wouldn't that be nice? I appreciate counting on friends I can go to when I'm down. Thanks to them, I'm up again... I wish Cañas could use their energy to get back in the match.